all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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