Even the bartender felt bad for me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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