i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
