She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
