I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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