Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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