so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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