Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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