I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
