Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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