Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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