there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
