I want to make a zoo with you.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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