How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
