I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
