She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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