he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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