In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
