She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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