Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
