i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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