You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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