He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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