ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
