NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
