On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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