Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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