My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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