she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
