Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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