The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
