then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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