i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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