one word: firstdatebathroomanal
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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