She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
