So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
