woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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