you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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