Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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