That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
