My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
