you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
