I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
