I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
