Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
