She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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