Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
