Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
