Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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