oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
