i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
