Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize