I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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