i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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