after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
