How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
