So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
