Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
