I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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